Real Life

Men With Long Hair And Beards ‘Have The Smallest Testicles’

Let your bearded mates know.


If you’re the kind of bloke who struggles to grow a beard, and are berated mercilessly for it, then there’s no need to worry anymore. Apparently, people with long hair and big, bushy beards actually are much more likely to have tiny balls.

A brand-new study from a team from the University of Western Australia and the University of Zurich, came after they looked at the testicles of over 100 different male primates – including humans.


According to the study, male primates can either be “well endowed” and have large balls, or are instead “well-adorned” with hair.

The conclusion shows that it’s ‘hard to be both’ of these things as it takes too much energy to do.

Primatologist and study co-author, Dr Cyril Grueter, explained that they chose to study primates as their testicle size varies enormously. The smallest are the size of peppercorns and the largest is around the size of a tennis ball. Blimey.


Basically, it all comes down to wanting to mate. He said: “But not all of them can have what they want. So how do they succeed? Well, they can produce so-called ‘badges of status’, showy ornaments that help their bearers control access to females by intimidating other males.

“And if males cannot keep others off their females, they can win by producing a lot of sperm to swamp those from their rivals.”

He continued: “We found the same thing with ornamentation – some species sport flamboyant accoutrements such as beards, manes, capes and cheek flanges, and various shades of colour in their faces and fur.

“Others are pretty drab and look more like your Mr Average.

“This finding clearly shows that you can be well-adorned or well-endowed, but it’s hard to be both.”

Well, there you go.

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